The woman standing on the corner dressed like a giant human ice cream cone set me off.
Then came the new one-stop-shop donut/ice cream shop that opened last week near the main Interstate-10 ramp in Tallahassee - because, you know, after a 400-calorie donut what we all REALLY need is a banana split.
Then there was the obese couple that recently pulled into a handicapped parking spot outside my favorite wine bar, sat inside their car scarfing down burgers and fries -- and then rolled into the bar with the sluggishness that comes from a life lived on fast food.
Yes, all three of these incidents got my Irish-Italian temper simmering. But what REALLY made it boil over was The Plate.
With much fanfare Thursday, the USDA unveiled the food "Plate" -- replacing the longstanding Food Pyramid as the compass to healthy eating. There are many elements of the Plate that I applaud -- drink more water and fewer sugary drinks; enjoy food but in lesser quantities; fill half the plate with fruits and veggies.
But what ticks me off is the rising obesity that prompted the change. The Pyramid, it seems, was too confusing for Round America. The Food Pyramid kept its shape for years - telling us to eat more of the stuff at the wide bottom (fruits, whole grains, lean meats, veggies) and less of the stuff at the small top (processed sugary desserts, fats, etc). But America keeps getting rounder - and more sick, and more sluggish.
More Slackass. Less Badass. We have early-stage diabetes and high cholesterol before we hit middle age. We go through so many fast food drive-thrus that we're too big and soft to make it up one flight of stairs. Our children are obese. Not chunky, not 'plump.' They are dangerously obese.
The long-running increase in life expectancy in the United States is slowing because of our gluttonous eating habits. Meanwhile, other countries are seeing longer life expectancies. All we seem to understand is "more," as in give me more food. As a nation, we're too lazy to even get up to change the TV channel - much less exercise.
Way to go, USA. One Nation Under the Drive-Thru.
This makes me want to scream. It makes me want to yank the bag of greasy fries from Mr. and Mrs. Roly Poly and lead them around the parking lot for 10 laps. It makes me want to pull the human ice cream cone lady back inside so she can't beckon any more overweight people into her shop for another dessert they don't need. It makes me want to walk into every all-you-can-eat buffet and break every oversized plate piled with a pyramid of fatty food.
I say forget the Pyramid vs. the Plate vs. low-carb vs. low-sugar.
Instead, try the Badass Food Guide: Eat less, move more.
Stop eating as if every meal is your last meal on Death Row. Don't supersize it. Don't Big Gulp it. Don't double dip it in chocolate. Don't deep fry it and order two for the price of one. Get off your Badasses and MOVE it.
And when you make that plate of food, remember that it doesn't have to resemble a massive pyramid. A molehill of real, unprocessed food will do.
Coming next week: Monday Move, and a few healthy potluck makeover ideas.
